So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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