Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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