Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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