Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
