My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
