I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
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