People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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