thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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