Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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