You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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