My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
