Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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