based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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