Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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