I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
