It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
