How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
