Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
