real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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