I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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