I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I checked into jail on foursquare
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
