i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We are two peas in an std pod
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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