I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
