we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
