Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
