just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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