Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I puked a lego.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
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