Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
