My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
