I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
