just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
