It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
