Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
