On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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