it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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