So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
