Cold hands, warm shart.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
