Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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