ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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