I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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