Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
