Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
