How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
