Someone shit on the floor
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
