I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
