I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
