Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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