theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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