I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
