I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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