You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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