please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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