I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You are a genius and a whore.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
