Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
