Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
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