Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
