when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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